Hanging In For A Ride

The last two and a half months have been an emotional roller-coaster that has taken on a spiritual layer lately. I have been learning a lesson like no other I've faced yet in my life. A friend asked me what lessons did I think I was being taught. I have been studying so many new and different philosophies from so many different points of view that I'm quite frankly a bit overwhelmed. I made a conscious effort to stop going in so many different directions for now and take my time studying and really integrating the learning.

There has been a common theme of messages to me in all my reading:

* Patience - The timing of events are not for me to script.
* Faith - To know that there is a higher power that is taking care of things and will send us on our adventure when the time is right.
* Letting go - When I try hard to make things happen, whether it's a new habit or an event I want to happen, it just doesn't work. I don't feel right.

Tonight, right now, I know these as my truths. It was a totally different story this morning. The thing about these lessons are that they are learned and unlearned before they can become a part of me. These have been difficult lessons. If happiness, health, peace and security is on the other end though, I'll stay on this ride no matter how hard it gets.

Nothing Happens By Accident

I witnessed something that brought this home to me yesterday. I was visiting a store that has ushered me along on this journey. Thanks PJ for your guidance! There were 2 women there engrossed in choosing a talisman. One of them was holding each one to find her match. The other was there to help. As they went through one after the other, I sensed them getting a bit desperate to find the one that matched her energy. They were clearly having trouble. The guide was coming up with possible solutions. Grasping onto one, then another, then another. I was feeling their frustration. Then, finally she found one. Whew! I was glad. She was only able to find the right one when she didn't try so hard. I looked for my lesson.

I have been spending much of my time lately looking inward, reading and absorbing an abundance of information. Dwelling on a better way, a more fulfilling way, an enlightened way. I know I've made progress. In the last few days though, I have been feeling uneasy as I try to categorize and internalize and have felt a bit lost. I know my old way is gone but I can't quite stand firm in the new way yet. Yesterday's experience was yet another message for me to be patient and just let go. In the right time, things will fall into place and I should quit trying so hard myself.

Finally... Gratitude

It has taken me a bit of time on this journey to come to this, gratitude. It's hard to see the good when one is obsessed. I have been so intent on getting rid of all the bad feelings, working on my patience, wondering why life is not going the way I want it to. I needed to go to those places first before I could get to here.

In this moment, I am grateful. I am blessed in ways that I had been so totally clueless to only days ago. As I wake up from sleepwalking through my life, I am seeing that I am surrounded by love, by beauty and by kindness. All around me, every day, every moment, there is something to be grateful for. All I needed to do was to look for it. So simple and within my grasp all this time. Now that I am alert, I have no intentions of falling asleep again.

Heart Exercises

I have an old school exercise book, you know the kind with 3 holes and big lines that kids use, that I started using to list "Feeling" words for myself. They are, of course, neatly arranged alphabetically. I had to fight from putting colourful flags on the pages to mark the transition from one letter to the next. I digress. I wanted them handy so that I could use them as I try to live from the heart more instead of from my head. I am shocked and amazed when I look at some of these words and they seem totally foreign to me. I feel like a child learning them for the first time. Could it be that I have lived all these years without being aware of them? It's such an odd feeling. I didn't have to resort to the dictionary on any of them so my head was clearly aware of them. And yet I feel like I am actually seeing them or truly feeling them for the very first time. Have I been living such a narrow life from the heart that I only needed a handful of adjectives to describe how I felt? That is the only rationale I can come up with. My heart muscles need a workout!

Goal from now on. Step one - Relearn words to express my range of emotions. Step two - Tune in and use those words.

The Secret to Living The Moment

It finally occurred to me! The simple and elegant answer to my quest to living each moment is to do NOTHING! What, you say? How could it be so simple? In the last few days I've noticed that when I am not trying so hard to DO something, life is simple and I enjoy a depth to my moments. It's almost as if I am observing myself sometimes. I feel the laughter and I think to myself, "hum, that's interesting". The next question for my logical mind is to analyze how that moment happened, note it down and then try to duplicate it. The solution I've come up with is quite remarkable. Isn't the best solution always the simplest? It is ironic that in order to live the moment I have to forget to try to live it.

Resistance is Not My Friend

I figured out weeks ago that surrendering is a good thing. Oh but my heart wasn't in it, only my head.

I tried to relinquishing my desperate grasp on the semblance of control. The illusion that I can will things to happen in my life or that I can manage to create life in detail the way I think it should be. I thought that if I learned it once, that it's good enough. Right? Wrong! Isn't it a harsh reality to realize that this lesson needs to be practiced every single day. It's so easy to forget. I realized that I am once again struggling against something I have no control over. I stopped. When I remembered to stop and surrender, life wasn't so hard.

My insight: My habit and fallback position is to resist and squirm and struggle. My lesson: Surrendering is a daily practice.