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It doesn't matter how old I am, how centered I am or how positive my frame of mind is, somehow out of nowhere, WHAM. My mother calls, says one little thing innocently and I hear a child's voice rebelling. My inside voice screaming "I know what I'm doing!" Why, after all these years, can someone who loves me cause me such anguish. No wonder there are self-help books galore exploring this topic and presumably offering useful advice. I have chosen to stay clear of them despite my addiction to that genre. I don't have a problem. Oh but I do. First step, acknowledge.

Checking In

How do I feel about this book? that idea? How do I feel today? It's strange yet amazing what you hear when you listen to your heart. It's not easy to listen all the time yet but when I do, I get to do the "right" thing. Not what is expected, not what I've always done but what is that thing I need to do for myself at the moment. It sounds selfish even as I write this. Darn all those messages that we've received all of our lives that tell us to serve others above all else. I'm beginning to see that if we neglect ourselves, what we do for others will be less than what we have to give.

So now, I'm practicing to check in and do it as often as I am aware. Hopefully, it'll be as often as I breathe. Is this giving me energy? Does that person give me energy? Things that give me energy: bookstores, blank and beautifully bound journals, books with photos of faces, foreign places showing how others live, instructions on how to paint flowers (but not how to draw flowers), cookbooks, wellness books, music, walking outside, smiling at strangers, fresh flowers, cooking, scents...

When I ask myself these questions, a funny thing happens. I feel more alive and awake! I don't have to read more books, don't have to wait for someone to tell me the secret. No secrets. No waiting. I have the power, right now, to make myself happy. Unbelievable!

Confessions of a Self-Help Addict

My shelves are filled with self-help books. I don't really remember when I started collecting them. I can't remember a time when I wasn't. Everytime we'd enter a bookstore, I'd gravitate towards that section and be lost in it. I would comb the shelves looking for the answers, for that next book that would help me get to... I don't know where. A better me. Each book would reveal the author's wisdom. Each would have some answers. None had it all.

I think that there is truth in all of them but sadly no single book will have all the answers I need. Wouldn't it be much easier to go to the store and buy "An Owner's Manual" written just for you? Instead of piecing together the puzzle with a bit of knowledge gained here and there, wouldn't it be much more efficient to buy one single book. Hopefully that book would be a heavy volume and not a flimsy pamphlet!

Lately I am choosing to believe that I'm pretty ok the way that I am, right now. No improvements required. Yes, I could see the real me more clearly but that's coming slowly now. No amount of self-help guru advice can get me there any faster. I'll get there when I get there. What I have found are words that help me understand and hear my own heart. They help me clear the chatter that goes through me head so that I can listen to that little voice that has been inside all along. Now as long as I am fully present and in this moment, I am awake and ready to hear it.

Highlight No More

Ever felt the need to highlight? Especially with that meaningful colour? And I use "need" very seriously. All those nuggets of advice or meaningful quotes that you worried you would forget. I remember textbooks that were yellow blobs of colour, the written text obscured by a madwoman's frantic and certain strokes. Certain that the more I highlighted, the more I would learn and remember. Wrong. I think it just spoke to some inner child who had to colour.

When I read these days, I still fight the urge to highlight. It's hard to break those habits developed over so many years and so many textbooks. I find now though that certain words resonate and quotes magically appear to encourage and say "you're on the right path". When that happens, there is no need to highlight or flag or note. It vibrates to the tune of my heart and it's like welcoming them home. I'm sure too that if I need to hear them again, they will be delivered time and again. Loud and clear. As long as I am listening.

Perfectionism and Me

For many many years now, I have tried to be perfect. Heaven forbid that I made a mistake or did something wrong. Who gets to determine what is "wrong" anyway? It certainly wasn't me. Mistakes, if I did make them, were relived again and again. Each time, I kicked myself a little harder. I spent so much time and effort making sure that I couldn't be accused of making any wrong turns. Who was I doing that for?

In interviews, I used to answer with great pride that perfectionism was one of my faults. Afterall, who wouldn't want someone on their payroll looking after details and contingencies. Lately I have come to see it as a true fault. Trying to love myself though, faults and all.

By making every effort to prevent mistakes, I was denying myself lessons in self love and acceptance... of being human. There are lessons to learn, painful as they might be, in making mistakes. I never saw it as loving myself enough. I do now. It doesn't make it easier to make mistakes but I now see it as doing more harm than good. It's still ok that I'm perfectionistic but I'll try to be gentler on myself and allow myself to make them. Afterall, wouldn't I do that for my friends and loved ones? Shouldn't I be just as kind to myself?

Wait No More

OK, I get it. This is my proclaimation to the universe that I am no longer waiting. I finally got the message. Life will happen as it should on universe time. Yes, that's why practicing patience is on my plate. But today, just this moment, I understood it in my heart that I can't even be waiting patiently for our new life to begin. For IT to happen and make everything possible. It doesn't work that way. The lesson simply is to live in each and every moment and there I will truly be alive, awake and feel joy. Ah ha.

Not Logical

How is it possible that a complete stranger can conjure up the right combination of words that bring me so much comfort? At the exact point when I needed it most? She doesn't know me and doesn't know my current struggles. She wrote this book years ago. And yet, despite my head shaking at the seemingly randomness of it all, I am soothed. The words I read are phrased exactly right for me. They seem to be messages meant only for me. They speak to me. They resonate with my heart. I didn't know what I needed, a lot lost I was. It's amazing what you hear when you listen. The messages are loud and clear and they come from many messengers. All I need to do is quiet the chatter in my mind, push my head out of the way for a bit and open my heart, and listen. Thank you for the support and love from the gifts I am receiving.

The Good and The Bad

Life should be full of only good days filled with laughter and joy. If only life were like that. The reality is that life is made up of good days and bad. Yin and Yan. Balance. While it would be most enjoyable to bask in glee and happiness our whole life long, we all know that there are sad days in there. If we're lucky, those days will be few and far between. We could be sailing along, fine, thinking life was grand than bam, you lose your job.

That happened to me several years ago. I don't like to think of the specific year or the incident, it's still painful. I was sent reeling into an abyss of self-doubt, lost. Life is never the same after an event like that. Change of that magnitude and velocity is felt to the very core. The ripples are still being felt today. I don't spend my days thinking about it anymore, dwelling on the why's and what if's. But in the back of my mind, it's still there. I could be feeling really good about myself most days and then wham, there it is again. Unexpected and unwelcomed visitor. Shoo. Go away.

I realized today that it would be unrealistic to be happy all the time. Yes, sounds trite but I felt it a bit more today. There will be setbacks and triumphs, laughter and tears, hope and despair. Such is the rhythm of life. Wait the bad times out for the sun will shine again.... soon I hope.

Words I Love

I know I'm not alone in my love of words but today I happened on a website dedicated to favourite words. I am home! A wise woman told me once that a great tool to use to check in with myself was to decide whether something gave me energy or not. Words give me energy.

I loved reading why people loved particular words. Their eloquance in describing their feelings was inspiring for me as I try to live in my heart more. I always did love certain words just because of how they sound and others for the deep meaning they bring. Someone likes "persnickety". Not a word that I like the sound of but its meaning seemed to be a message for me. Maybe I do dwell on having things my way too much. Maybe, just maybe, minor details are just that - minor.

Wouldn't It Be Lovely

The drama I am creating in my head: She loves this place and can't wait to move in. She knows of our plans to travel. She knows us now after meeting me yesterday. She can see herself living here, making a life in this apartment, walking everywhere and enjoying the roof top garden with friends. She is trying to decide what price to offer. Our agent's stand-in calls later this afternoon. While it is not our asking price, it is close enough and the closing date is just perfect. Sooner than we dared hope for. We don't hesitate and accept. I pull out the lists of things that need to be done in order to temporarily pack up our lives. We get everything done. We leave to go on the road to find ourselves.

Ah, if only life could be scripted so easily. Instead I continue to practice patience and surrendering to the moment. Somedays are easier than others. Today is a hard day for this.

This Too Can Be Yours

Aaaawkward. There was a showing of our apartment today and I left for the hour they scheduled. I hung out at the grocery store for as long as I could. Grocery stores are much more interesting when we are away. The best times on vacation are grocery shopping! Anyhow I walk into our home and there are two strangers sitting on my couches, chatting. How weird was that! It got weirder when they invited me in and we talked about the apartment. I gave an impromptu presentation on the fabulous assets of the apartment: the light that floods the apartment in the morning, the charming architectural details, the community in the building and the location. Whew, I hope I was able to do it justice. I was just thinking the other day about wanting to find a proper "home" for our apartment. Is it odd that I am thinking of this object like it has feelings? I just want to know that someone will love and appreciate it as much as we did. Whether she puts in an offer or not, I feel good about being able to paint her a picture of life in this wonderful apartment.

On The Road Again

Roadtrips are the best! We took a spontaneous trip to Freeport and it became a great dress rehearsal for the roadtrip we plan to take. Without a "packing list" in sight, we woke up Friday morning and decided we needed to get out of town and find some breathing space. So we threw some clothes and toiletries in the car, grabbed some provisions for the road and just took off. For two serious planners, this was totally out of character.

Things I learned this weekend:

1. Packing lists are not such a bad thing after all.
2. I adore my husband and am looking forward to spending 24/7 with him for awhile.
3. Rain and fog does not necessarily spell bad day if you look it at right.
4. Maps are a very good thing.
5. Joy and amazement can be around any corner.

Lessons From Yoga

Being in a yoga class is one of the best ways I've found to practice being in the moment. No matter what craziness is going on in my life, for an hour or so, the world stands still. There is only me and my breath.

I just tried a new class. I practice Bikram usually and felt it was time to step into another class. While it was not as vigorous as what I'm used to, yoga continues to teach me about being still in my mind. I realize today that yoga is also a practice of letting go. Letting go of what you think you can or cannot do. Letting go of tightness in your body. Relaxing. Today I got the message that yoga is also about surrendering to what is. Instead of fighting for the vision of my life as I demand it, it dawned on me that yoga helps me practice surrendering.

Yoga has been about being gentle on myself. I am not a competitive person but I like to keep up. Yoga has been teaching me that I don't need to compare myself to anyone else in class or in life. It is teaching me about patience and acceptance. I am learning to be patient about my poses. I am slowing accepting that I am always going to be learning this art and will never be perfect all of the time. The perfectionist in me hates that and continues to challenge me. I am accepting and really listening to my body. The best thing though is that during a yoga class, I am completely present and in the moment. And for a while after the class, all is well with the world.

Time Well Spent

It was such a beautiful spring day today that I just had to spend as much time outside as I could. I joined the crowds on the patios. I spent an hour at the coffee house doing a writing exercise. It's amazing what you see and hear when you make an effort. I've spent numerous hours at the same coffee house immersed in my own world. Today, I looked out. All around me the world danced. There were swirls of colour as people blurred by with their groceries, walked their dogs or hurried to the next "to do" from their list. People were connecting, catching up, doing homework, reading or just watching the world go by as I was. Paying attention to the details of the life going on around me was amazing. My eyes saw the world in a way it has never seen before. Fresh and new. I saw so much more. I heard so much more. It was a great practice session in being in the moment. Enjoying NOW.

Within and Without

Within lies truth
Within lies answers
The journey to the core
of the real Me

Without the trappings
Without the clutter
Without the baggage
Without the past
Without the future
The present holds
Freedom and Calm.
Carefree and Irresponsible.
Joy

Surrender

The best thing to do when you want something to happen so badly but it's just not happening. I worry about selling our apartment quickly. We have spent so much time and energy getting to this point. We are finally ready to wrap things up here and go in search of a happy and satisfying future. All that stands in our way is to sell our home in order to finance our dream. Each day that passes by represents 1,440 seconds when something might happen to derail us. We wait impatiently and try very hard to push the panic aside. We can't afford to travel through the panic for fear of getting lost and never coming out the other side. So the only solution left is to surrender. Holding onto to whatever shred of faith is left that destiny awaits us and that we will be on the road soon.

Life is in the Details

Paying attention is easy and it is hard. We go through our days running, our minds already onto the next thing before we've even had a chance to get through the present. I have found that if I take even one thing in my day and really pay attention to it that it adds so much to that thing, whatever it may be. It could be as mundane as really looking at my favourite flower. I have an arrangement sitting on my dining room table. Something that I often bring into our home to add colour and life. Today, I decided to stop and reallly look at it. I noticed the colour of the centre of the blooms, the texture of the petals, the shape of the bouquet. Easy because it took 10 seconds and the awareness of this ordinary object somehow enriched that moment. The hard part is remembering to stop.

Control Freak. Who? Me?

I find myself struggling strenuously. Not against anything tangible but I'm losing nonetheless. I want life to go a certain way right now but don't you know it, it's not turning out exactly as I scripted it. The harder I wish for something to happen, the more it doesn't. Losing control and spinning. Where is that calm center? Patience. Let go. Pay attention to the only moment that exists. Now. Happiness can't wait for "someday...".

These Are A Few Of My Favorite Things.

Why are we always saving the good things in life? Saving the good dishes for company. Saving that outfit that makes you feel fabulous when you wear it. Saving the "good" perfume. Lately, I've realized that these tiny everyday acts of self-denial chips away at my self-esteem. It's like we're telling ourselves that we aren't good enough or that this day is not special enough. We're alive. It's special.

If I look back and put a label on my days so far, I would say most were "ordinary". We all wait for those "special" days. Live each day like it's your last sounds a bit morbid and unrealistic. We all get lost in the speed of our days. Something much more doable is finding something special in each day. Just by paying attention, I've found that it's easier to do than I might have guessed. Some days it's not so easy but I try again the next day. For now, putting on my favourite perfume to do errands will be a baby step towards declaring today "special".

Is it true that once you get to a certain age in life, there is a need to find your Self? You stop and realize that you are standing on that spot, wondering "Now What?". I am standing there. Now. Wondering.

I created this Blog quite by chance or was it? I started out wanting to comment on a friend's blog. I felt that he should know that someone was out there. In order to post, I had to go through the motions. So I spent some time coming up with a unique name to fill in the blank. The name is meant to remind me of a lesson I'm trying to learn. And naturally, because I am who I am, I'm finishing what I started. The idea of a Blog has been swimming in my mind for awhile now really. In difficult times, I have always turned to writing as a source of clarity and sanity. I'm clinging to it now.

What better therapy than to throw my thoughts and feelings out into the world. A Blog is something way outside of my comfort zone. It leaves me feeling vulnerable and totally exposed but at the same time, it feels right. So for a change, I'm listening to my gut and going out on the limb... doing something that scars me. Writing in the Blog, as I see it, will be a great way of being out there and hopefully communicating with the Universe. So here I go, pressing the "Publish" button. Yikes!